Affirmation, or, what self-assessment hasn't delivered
I'm annoyed I can't hang on to my 'me vs. them' mentality at the moment. I've been offered a side-door fast track to a book contract with Big English Press (no points for guessing when it's 50-50, sorry). Which is, of course, a Good Thing(tm), and might do something in the future to assist in redressing this 'unemployed academic' problem. On the other hand, the work is precisely what it was before the letter extending this welcome boost arrived: nothing's changed, and my bitterness against academia for 'its' treatment of me this last round has no reason to have altered. On the other hand, I feel like Sally fucking Fields and her tragic 'you like me' Oscar acceptance. Sigh. I've managed to keep my head down and stay focused on producing the work for all these years, which, clearly, is all I need to continue doing. Yet I can't stop myself from looking up, looking around, and wanting to bask in the glow for a bit. Hmm. Maybe I am still bitter. Phew. That was close. Just bitter in a chipper, cheerful kind of way.
posted by itinerarium at 2:59 PM
3 Comments:
congratulations! Of course you should bask in the glow! (though, of course, you should not entirely abandon the bitterness, because the bitterness is essential for self-preservation :) )
Cheers, Crazy. Funny, because I read your post on your non-book-contract just after I wrote this one, and was pondering the ridiculousness of it all. Rejection I can largely re-focus into productivity: otherwise I'd be wholly unable to function at this point. Success seems harder to re-channel, perhaps as it's more rare?
I think success is harder to rechannel. What (small) successes I've had always leave me feeling sort of empty or freaked out or something and I can't manage to turn it into anything positive. Whereas with rejection I'm a master - rejections always end up leading into productive things.
And yes, the whole thing is ridiculous :)
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